Candid Provocateurs get 8 out of 13 in the 2015 Land's End Trial

For us the course closing car was never far away

So Binky and I couldn’t manage to repeat our performance from last year but we still had a great event.

It was a difficult trial and by the time we got to the sections the already wet conditions had been churned up quite badly. There were a couple of hills that we cleaned that were so difficult we were euphorically elated when we cleared them. And those feelings lasted for a long time afterwards.

Having replaced all the joints in the steering linkage and also the central idler bearing by the time of this year’s Exeter, Rob recently had the toe-in re-adjusted and now rates the steering as good instead of vague. His regular car is an MX-5 so he has a good benchmark.

Backalong, the MCC used to swap the order of starts around – the others being Cirencester and Plusha Services in Cornwall - but since 2013 Popham has always been the latest starting point. On the Exeter 2015, we thought this affected our performance. The lore about Simms on the Exeter is that, in certain conditions, it sweats as the day wears on and we certainly found it impossible to climb this year.

We set off from Popham in wet conditions running as number 291 in an entry field of 294, sandwiched between Stephen Kingstone & Kerry Greenland in their 1500 Midget and Thomas Pordzik & Eike Welk in their black Celica. Yes, the Germans were back again this year and included entry number 288 with Marc Schafer & Enno Schmandt in Marc’s Renault 10. Marc had suffered some debris in the fuel on the 2014 LET but had since refurbished the tank and fuel lines. The Celica still looked in pretty good shape after the 2015 Exeter despite its lack of ground clearance. TüV regulations mean this sort of modification simply isn’t allowed in Germany and they don’t have classic trials, either, which is why they are prepared to come such a great distance.

The rain eased off over night and by the Bridgewater Control, where the three parts of the entry field meet up, the roads were drying out. Here we bumped into Richard and Barbara Uren who were campaigning their Class 4 Beetle instead of the MX-5. Over the obligatory fry up we saw Dave Turner and pocketed our napkins for trialling eventualities later. We also had a chat with Mark & Charlie Worsfold about their MGB GT, which is not such an obvious trails car when compared to a Midget. Once Charlie is 14 and old enough to navigate an open top car, they’ll bring out their Fiat FIRE-powered Liege. We also commiserated with the crew of a sidecar outfit who had returned to the comfort of the club house after suffering food poisoning and having to retire after Felon’s Oak.

We cleared Felon’s Oak with its restart but later heard that this hill had caught out a surprisingly large of people. There were a couple of mechanical failures at the bottom of the hill awaiting recovery with their disappointed crews fast asleep inside.

You can't quite see it but everybody in this picture is dozing. Take my word for it. They are all waiting for to compete on Cutliffe Lane

The night time mileage between sections is my least favourite part of the trial, especially when it’s wet. Because the ergonomics on the Allard are rubbish, I operate the windscreen wipers and dipswitch. When I’m peering over my wet glasses at a muddy route card with my headtorch wobbling around the page thanks to our rutted highways – and that’s even before we get to the trials sections –  it gets difficult dipping and wiping and shouting out timely directions above the noise of the engine. It’s still better than being tucked up by the fire or in bed like everyone else on Good Friday evening.

No really. The aural experience from the zorst pipes exiting just in front of the wheels and all the interesting smells the Allard exudes – like hot oil and steam from the pipes when we go through a ford – all compensate.

Two marshals at one of the route checks along the way wouldn’t agree with us, though.

“We’ve done so many trials over the years and wondered what the hell we were doing in the cold in the middle of the night. Now we wonder what the hell you’re doing. We’re going home in a minute.”

There followed the long night time drive to Beggar’s Roost via the County Gate and Barbrook control points. These seem to work well in regulating the entry and avoiding the early queuing we used to get.

Beggar’s Roost used to have a fearsome reputation but nowadays is fairly docile. The course the MCC had laid out was very narrow and zig-zagged across the track to keep speeds down and maximize the importance of traction. Although the Allard feels large for a trials car, Binky can now saw away at the wheel quite effectively and we had no problems. He pointed out that it’s not actually much bigger than his MX-5 but it has a lot more inertia and carries much more ballast.

Riverton was a familiar name but I couldn’t recall the hill until we were in the underpass for the North Devon link road. The last time we’d done it was when we were on the sidecar outfit now campaigned by Pete and Shani Adams, which shows how long ago that was. By now it was getting light and Riverton proved to be a good blast with a tricky hairpin.

Here Binky is glowing with anticipation of cake once we've done Sutcombe

Although we’d tanked up at Bridgewater, we were getting hungry again. All that concentration and fending off the cold requires copious amounts of complex chains of fat and sugar so the lure of tea and cake at Sutcombe as brain food kept us going. We had a restart on Sutcombe and it looked nasty in the morning light but Binky did his stuff and we got away alright.

The schedule allowed for a rest stop and tea and cake. Frankly, if it didn’t many protests would be lodged. It was lovely and warm in the little hallway, too, and all proceeds were going to a new frame for the church bells. I seem to remember contributing to some new bell ropes in the past.

The course closing car wasn’t far behind us though. It wasn’t the regular blue 4x4 Panda but a red one. Poor old blue had blown its head gasket. Since both cars are in surprisingly good nick for elderly Fiats, I doubt that this will be the end. Simple small cars like Pandas simply aren’t being made any more and I can’t think of any other equivalent that has 4x4 as well. Subaru Justy perhaps

We reached Cutliffe Lane to find a long queue of cars stretching onto the public highway. Under the direction of Duncan Welch, traveling marshal at the tail of the pack, we squeezed up onto the approach track and settled down to wait. Many people took the opportunity for a nap but I wandered down to the bottom of the hill to see what the hold up was.

From our side of the valley you couldn’t see anything due to the thick woods but almost every car came back down again. The only exceptions that I saw were a pre-war MG, about 5-6 Class 8 specials and the supercharged BMW. That last one is a particular crowd pleaser – it sounds like someone shooting a series of rifles.

I had a chat to the starting line marshal and he said the bikes had found Cutliffe difficult from the outset. Getting fallen riders and bikes safely to the bottom of the hill after a failure takes ages and the cars were taking almost as long. They were doing a great job, though, with a great sense of humour and were pretty slick.

Brian Hampson and Dave Turner shouted out that they’d got as far as the A boards and were pleased about that. These are used on very difficult hills to judge the performance of failures. If nobody gets up, the one who got closest gets the class award.

It was very slippery at the bottom of the valley. I slithered into the bushes for a pee but suddenly found myself break dancing with a bramble bush. After the gentleman’s excuse me, I was adjusting my trousers when blood began trickling from the bridge of my nose. A thorn had got me. Fortunately, I still had a napkin from breakfast but it took ages to staunch the flow.

Newest car on the trial?

Gradually, the cars went through and we were only one or two away from the start when the marshal directing us was called away for a particularly difficult extraction. When he came running back to us, he suddenly disappeared behind some bulrushes.

“What ho, Ginger!” said Binky. “He’s done a face plant!”

A great cheer went up from the other marshals. They shared his pain – except there wasn’t any. When he stood up his whole front elevation was covered in brown porridge. He stomped over to us, grinning and wiping the mud out of eyes.

“Anyone get that on camera?” he asked.

Top banana! I wish I’d taken a photo of him. The brown porridge was already running off his waterproofs. Soon there would be no evidence of his derring-do for the animated fireside chats that follow events of this kind.

After all that waiting, it seemed weird to actually climb the section. We’d done well in the past so Binky planted it as we squeezed through the narrow gateway at the bottom. The engine was at its peak all the way although our speed in first was not actually very much and we bucked and weaved around. We wanted to get as far as the A boards at least but when we clawed our way up to them a sense of positive disbelief came over us. Or maybe it was belief. Binky kept the old bus roaring and we slowly ascended the hill to clear it.

That was the best buzz I’d had from a climb for many a year. Binky was quivering with excitement. I had a chuckle on for hours after. My neighbour reckons I have some Viking blood in me. I’m wondering if there might be a little berserker in the family tree somewhere.

At the top however, our spirits were dampened by the spectacle of the Irish registered Dellow without its spare wheel carrier. Its crew had cleaned the hill only to have all its spare wheels, jacks and toolboxes fall off and scatter over the exit track. They reckoned their only recourse was to retire. It was so sad.

 

I love this picture (Courtesy : John Deacon)

At Darracott we saw John Deakin marshalling on the start line. I’ve spectated with him quite a few times and he often pops up somewhere. We tried to bribe him for a “baulk” but he wouldn’t have it. He did take some photos of us though and I particularly like the one of us attacking the hill. The section itself was a good blast, not quite in the heady league of Cutliffe but still pretty damn fine.

At the top who should we meet but a holiday maker following his satnav. “Is this the way to Gooseham Mill?” he asked us, eyening the our muddy car and Section Ends board dubiously. We could have said yes but we are gentlemen of the MCC and sent him happily in the other direction with vague instructions to keep turning left. “Or right. Just keep doing it and you’ll get somewhere close on the other side of the valley.”

A supercharged 2CV, a German Renault 10 (that originally came from Rumania) and the Candid Provocatores Allard

Crackington was bloody brilliant. It had been well doctored and the bashplates of previous cars given it a rockabilly flat top. I bounced and waggled all the way up and felt knackered by the top but it was almost as good as Cutliffe. At the top we saw Robin Moore, who was watching the trial from his car. Good to see you! I marshaled with him on Treworld back in the last century.

Here we are waiting for Warleggan in the sunshine

And so to Warleggan and its restart, which has always been something of a bête noire for us. Last year we cleaned it but this year the wheels went round and we went nowhere. I bounced so hard my goggles flew off, which was a first. Fortunately, the nearside filler cap snagged them before they fell in the mud. Another first was making the restart marshal smile. I put them on again upside down. It’s not sophisticated humour but it works for many of us.

 

By now we were the last car. Stephen Bailey & Jill Ollis in their Midge were before us and managed to get away. For once stopping high in the box seemed to be the best policy.

It’s so difficult to know what to do for the best. The driver has to read the section and make a quick decision and then bouncer and driver have to commit themselves to getting off the mark. You win some, you lose some.

That was the end of our clean round so far and many more restarts that gave us problems.

Laneskin was a new one to us although I believed it’s been used before. I hope they use it again. I wondered if it was actually pronounced with three syllables instead of an anglicized two and Roger Ugalde later confirmed I was right. It’s a long blast up a forested hill and just the sort of thing we like. We almost made it, too. Binky had forgotten to bring his sunglasses so somehow squinted his way up. As our wheels span in the mud I was sure I could smell wood smoke. There’s a little concave bit at the top that defeated us within sight of the Section Ends boards. If we’d got over that hump we would’ve had to throttle back quickly to negotiate a right angle bend.

The marshals looked surprised to see us which cheered us up a bit but I gather quite a few got up earlier. Stephen Bailey got the Midge stuck on the hump and the marshals pushed them a few feet further. The rest of us had to go back down backwards.

We only had 30 minutes to wait at Hallworthy control because of the earlier delays

We saw George Osborn & Celia Walton on the Bishop’s Path special test. I’d read in Binky’s copy of Triple magazine about George’s exploits in the Proton Satria but this year they were entered in the Reliant Rialtopless. We couldn’t really stop to chat to find out what had happened because of that pesky course closing car lurking in the woods behind us. In the end it flushed out some other stragglers for Bishop’s Wood and we found ourselves behind a lovely Frazer Nash with a Meadows engine that sounded fantastic earlier on Laneskin. It had an oil leak and later developed magneto troubles. Fortunately, they gave it a go and even made it to the finish. I admire anyone who uses vintage machinery in these sorts of events. We couldn’t get off the rock slab on our restart.

Hoskin caught loads out this year with a very nasty restart. A spectator said only two had got up and that was by going over to the left and trickling away. It still didn’t do any good though and we had to some back down again, missing out on a chinwag with my mate Adrian Booth who was somewhere near the top. I understand he hardly saw anyone all day.

At least Hoskin was in the shade. The sun was getting low as we were nearly 2 hours behind schedule. That’s the trouble with being a back marker and having a delay. You never really make the time up again. Every speck and smear of mud on our screen caught the light so I fished out my bloody napkin and added to the mess.

Blue Hills 1 caught us out. We couldn’t get away from the wet stone slab and when the marshals told us to roll back and take a run at it we got stuck again – or so it seemed. It was Binks, just trying to see if stopping high in the box might have made life easier. It would’ve done. We did it that way easily!

After that Blue Hills 2 wasn’t too bad despite full sun in the eyes and no sunglasses. Binky positioned the car just right in the restart box and we cleaned it. We didn’t hang around because we promptly needed to get to Fraddon and sign off but there was a brief photo call with the Frazer Nash and its Dellow running mate.

Binky (Rob Robertson-Collins) and the German guys - L to R Marc Schafer, Thomas Pordzik, Enno Schmand, & Eike Welk. See you next year!

At The Penhale Round we were delighted to see the German crews. They’d made it and were wondering where to spend the night. They hadn’t reckoned on getting this far! You’ve gotta love their modest style. They fancied a B&B in Looe but I reckon I ought to do some homework on their behalf next time and offer a few options for them depending on when they end up.

After signing off the plan was to have come back to my place at Boogie Wundaland near Liskeard but the company was so convivial around the sign off desk that we stayed and had a meal there. Binky quizzed Roger Ugalde about why the order of the start points were no longer rotated and his answer was interesting. Basically, the Cornish and Devon boys are so competitive it helps to put them in first because they keep don’t have many problems and keep the trial moving. Also, the more competitive or organised types from elsewhere come down with a trailer and have a little holiday. He said Bill Rosten, who is now Clerk of Course, might consider changing it but I think a change of start appeals to Binks if he can persuade Mrs Binky to have a restful holiday when he’s not around.

Bill was quite busy with winding up the trial as you would expect but we took the opportunity to thank him. It was well run and great fun and without willing horses like him who are willing to devote so much time and energy to the sport events like this simply would not happen

When it came to home time – we were knackered by now – we found we had a puncture on the offside rear and had to change that. Blearily we changed it but realized we’d got off lightly. Caroline Ugalde’s Toyota Picnic had already been raided of its spare to help out someone with an MR2 who’d had 3 punctures. Everybody hoped the stud spacing was the same and so it proved.

Everyone said it was a tough trial and now the results are eagerly awaited to see just how few cars got up what. We claimed a finisher’s certificate but are still prepared to boast about our climb up Cutliffe to anyone foolish enough to listen.