The 2016 Exeter Trial exploits of the Candidi Provocatores

We had poor visibility most of the way

After the wettest December on record, the going was going to be muddy for the 2016 Exeter Trial and as I headed east from Kernowfornia I could see great swathes of earth had been carved out by the water from the newly ploughed fields and dumped in ditches and roads and other vestiges of human infrastructure.

This year starters from Popham were the first off and, running as No.109, your brave boys found themselves only 6 cars away from the front of the pack. Having been at the tail end of classic trials for a few years we were interested to see what the conditions would be like, especially on Simms, which seemed to get polished and sweaty as the day draws on.

Although not cold with our cast iron cabin heater ahead of us, we got very wet even on the drive from Popham. I had given some thought to having a zip sewn into my trousers and jackets but I hadn't actually done anything about it. I was quickly reminded how my Hein Gericke jacket would ride up when I slid into the Allard's seat and how cold my kidneys could feel with just my shirt against the vinyl upholstery. And whenever Binky wanted a pee and I had to get out (idle fireside talk about fitting doors to the Allard has remained at just that) the back of the seat got colder. And wetter. Not from his peeing I might add. His aim is better than that

It didn't look any better behind us, either

There was a lot of standing water about and, on the initial touring assemply stage of the trial, the Allard went down to 7 cylinders, maybe even 6. We struggled on and got to the Haynes Motor Museum at Sparkford for scrutineering, the first rest stop and a very early breakfast, where we used some WD40 that we'd bought along the way (on the car not for our breakfast). We were also photographed for Classic & Sportscar magazine, which was interesting. Professional photographers are fussy about lighting and stuff and it was fortunate that it didn't rain while we being snapped. The guy had been waiting for the Allard team apparently and heard us coming. Lee Peck in his Kraken Special was another favoured subject.

We hadn't seen Marc Shafer or Enno Scmandt from Bonn at the start but they popped up at Haynes having had the devil of job getting to Popham. They had stayed in Hastings and found first the M25 was flooded, then the M3. By the time they got to Popham, nearly everyone had gone but those that remained understood their plight and arranged with the team at Haynes for them to still take part.

It stopped raining here at Tillerton Steep but look at that ford (the sort without wheels)

We set off again in heavy rain. Soon after leaving the first rest stop at the Haynes Motor Museum at Sparkford, we found a mahoosive water splash but luckily for us the WD40 was doing its stuff and the Allard didn't fluff. We briefly saw another crew with head torches looking at the engine bay of what could have been a Dutton or a Marlin but I don't think they could have had much luck drying the engine out until the showers had stopped. There were clear spells but the showers were like being blasted like a fire hose. At least it wasn't cold.

It was hammering down when we got Classic Canes and in the cycle of lowering and then raising tyre pressures water began to seep down my neck and around my kidneys. My hat wasn't too bad, though, and with motocross boots and Kevlar and Gortex the rest of me was quite comfortable. I wore the goggles on top of the hat most of the way (or should that be moist of the way?). By clambering in and out with muddy boots, the inside of the Allard gets filthy and the 3.9 litre V8 dries it all out. On a long fast run it can get really dusty inside the car and in my febrile state of wide-eyed excitement I can absorb too much organic material into my gander parts. This year dust was not a problem

Whenever we went through a puddle, the inside of the windscreen steamed up. We had the hood down whenever we could and it's so simple to put up up we got quite slick at erecting it. But with condensation from the puddles dripping down on us we weren't really that much drier with it up. It offered psychological comfort. That's what it did.

We had a restart on Norman's Hump and some sections like Stretes or Waterloo were tight for a car with a 100 inch wheelbase. By Waterloo, the Germans were a couple of cars ahead of us but they got the first  corner wrong and in reversing back down the section went up in the hedge at an angle and lifted their offside rear wheel off the ground. In that position, their Celica just span its nearside front wheel. It was case of all hands on bonnet and boot. Marc nailed the motor to the rev limiter and while some marshals and other competitors sat on the bonnet, the rest of us hauled and heaved at the back. It's tricky not to get squashed sometimes when the car suddenly pops out but it worked in the end without mishap. We were spluttering a bit from the tyre smoke mind and I broke a bit of Toyota off - sorry about that chaps, I suppose it helped lighten it a bit more (smiley face).

We were very careful with the special tests because we once did a flying finish when we should've stopped astride the finish line. We completed the Core Hill special test in another torrential downpour and in our haste to get the hood up afterwards lost our treasured piece of plastic pipe. This wedges between the top of the windscreen and the rollbar and keeps the hood off our heads. For the rest of the trial we had to push any sags out of the hood and avoid getting soaked by the consequent deluge.

By the next rest stop at Creally when the sun came up we were clean yet muddy if you get my meaning. I ate another large breakfast - there was plenty of it and they had fried bread! Not healthy but then neither are classic trials. Immediately after absorbing all that food, we both fell asleep sat up.

The C90s contemplate Tillerton Steep

Tillerton Steep was our first daylight hill and something of a bête noir for us. There was a queue and it wasn't raining for a change so I wandered down to the start and who should I see but the Allard's previous owner, Roger Ugalde. With him were Mike Overfield-Collins and a whole load of other ribald characters who assured me that the only time the J1 had ever failed Tillerton Steep was when we were crewing it.

We contemplate Lee Sample's Ranger

The thing about Tillerton Steep is that it has this pesky re-start on it that is just like the one on Warleggan on the Land's End, even down to the same marshal officiating on the restart box. This year however, Binky was on the case. He positioned the Allard to one side so that the front wheels were pointing down the slab a bit and we got away with hardly any bouncing from me. I was overjoyed and got very shouty!

An attempt at facial double glazing just produced two layers of mist

Fingle Hill is an old favourite but Wooston Steep that followed was slightly different for us this year with no restart and a straight blast up the hill. Usually only the Class 8 specials have to do that. Binky said, "Okay Ginger, what gear shall we use first or second?" I suggested first as I didn't want us to get bogged down. Binky favoured second and gas it to maintain momentum. In the end, he went with my suggestion and we got about half way to the A boards. Next time we'll try second.

It is always a pleasure to reach the village hall at Ilsington and the tea and cake there was just as good as we remembered. We even had a pasty each. It's a shame we only had half an hour - there's only so much tea and cake even a ravenous, dripping trialler like me can absorb in 30 minutes.

By now the lining of my jacket had wicked up a lot of water and my kidneys were getting cold. Getting back in the car was always a nasty shock but after a while my body heat warmed up the muddy vinyl of the back of the seat and it didn't feel so bad.

The entry list was its usual eclectic mix. Left to right, the Salamander Sports of Christopher and Sasha Bonnet, the Reliant Rialtopless of George (without an e) Osborn and Celia Walton and those pesky C90s again.

And so on to Simms where we had another restart. The track to the hill was flooded in places and we bumped into Dave Symons at the start who said there was plenty of grip if we exercised some control. He had been entered in a Focus but the car died on Classic canes and took ages to get out. A brief respite and it started working again, possibly as water drained out of its engine management system

Everyone was very bedraggled by now and we pitied the poor marshals. However, they were all dressed for it and had all manner of clever contrivances to keep their score cards clean.

And the crowds at Simms were just as big as ever!

The restart box was a big un and Binky chose our spot carefully and we got away smartly. The Allard dug in and we carried plenty of momentum over the worst bits and were about two car lengths away from the section end and going well when there was a crack and Binky said "We've lost drive!"

At first, I thought we'd jumped out of gear but there was rather more to it than that. We had gears and a running engine but no forward motion. As a splendid County 1164 four wheel drive tractor bore down upon us to tow us up the hill, we contemplated the cause. Binky's chief suspect was a U/J on the prop. As we'd earlier been discussing the inadequacies of the gearbox, which often jumped out of gear, I wondered if we'd broken the mainshaft.

Typically, Roger Ugalde was there to see our inglorious retirement from the trial.

"I told you," he said, devilishly,"don't put a more powerful engine in it, you'll only break something."

"Well, why did you sell it to me then?" retorted Bonky.

"You should have put that in yer other Allard!"

"But I had to sell that to buy this one!"

Caroline was more sympathetic and encouraging. "You guys were looking good!" she said.

What a nice lady she is.

Once we were clear of the section a very cheerful chap in a Discovery towed us quite a long way to a metalled road and we tried to get reception on our phones to call the AA. Mine worked, Binky's didn't. Our rescuer advised us that we were in the best spot to be rescued and to quote the reference number on a nearby postbox. Then off he went to do more salvage.

Teri at the AA did a great job finding us. We didn't have much to give her. There were signposts marking out the crossroads as Five Cross on the road to Haytor but all the roads were unclassified and it took some time to locate us properly. She did it in the end and as she rang off Rob said "We should have used the satnav!"

Obviously fatigue was setting in now, so I rang the AA back and got Teri again as luck would have it. The satnav confirmed she was spot on. Jokingly, I suggested she might like to stop the rain for us and she did that as well. Was she wasted working for the AA? Absolutely not!

And then the Candidi Provacatores were suddenly very alone.

There is a house at Five Cross but there was no name to it and no obvious way in. There didn't seem to be anybody about, either. We could only assume they were spectating since a free premier motorsport event was happening on their doorstep. There was a barn some way off but the Allard and its saggy hood was our only shelter.

Teri's influence on the weather soon waned. Without our V8 3.9 litre heater, all the water that my shirt and jacket had absorbed began to feel really cold. Binky got cramp so I had to get out again and without my warmth the back of the seat got cold again. He hobbled around for a bit and I ran about a bit to keep warm.

I checked my phone for updates but my hands were by now so numb I dropped it and this representation of our only contact with the outside world broke into three pieces. I am not a sweary person because it doesn't help. Angry words just make people angrier. I simply examined the components and fitted them back together. It went together surprisingly easily. I think the water lubricated the parts and helped with connectivity because when I switched it on, it worked!


After a while another failure was hauled up from Simms by the Disco driver. This was the TR7 V8 of Neil Christie and Richard Coombes. They had a suspect broken prop - well something had spattered ball bearings all over the section. Fortunately for them, they only lived 5 miles away so a rescue was relatively easy.

By now I was shivering uncontrollably. I once had exposure on a Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme expedition on Bodmin Moor and this felt very much like that. I was aware that my core temperature was falling.

We sheltered in the car as best we could and began to discuss who should eat who first. My hands had gone red and were losing any feeling. Binky gave me his gloves but they made me even more hamfisted for answering the phone and guiding the AA to us. I gave the gloves back and settled for a pair of dry socks instead.


The Disco returned with the immaculately prepared 16V Mk1 Golf of  Ian and Alan Cundy. They'd fitted a brand new diff only for it to fail first time out.

This will be a trial we will remember for some time

And then salvation arrived in the form of an AA van with a heater. I dived inside and played with the heater controls while Binky explained what had happened to the patrolman. It was soon obvious that the Candidi Provocatores Allard wasn't going anywhere under its own power so he summoned a beaver tail relay truck for us. As it had only to come from the depot at Exeter, it shouldn't take long he said. The only thing was, he had another call and would I please get out of his van?

I was feeling a lot better now. We chatted to the Cundys and a friend of theirs, Paul Rogers, turned up with a Hyundai 4x4 and a trailer. He's been spectating and had brought the trailer just in case another friend didn't fancy driving home in his trials car. Obviously, the Cundys' need was greater so we pushed their Golf into the trailer and they tried their phones but could get no connection.

"Where were we headed?" they asked. We explained that we were going to return to Andover with the car and that I would get a train to Liskeard the following day.

"Liekeard? That's on our way! We're going to Bodmin and St Austell!"

The only thing was, my phone was the one the AA would contact us on. Then Binky found that if he stood by the hedge he could get a signal. Great! We phoned the AA and advised them to contact Binky on his now available (by-the-hedge) number. I got my rucksack from the Allard and put it in the Hyundai. It felt really wrong for the Candidi Provocatores to split up but it sort of made sense so we said farewell and O headed west while Binky waited for his lift east.

The Kernowfornish boys kept me entertained with trialling stories and updates on pour fellow competitors all the way to St Cleer where they dropped me off with just a short walk home. By now it was snowing great big wet slushy flakes. As soon as I got in I phoned Binky who had just passed Yeovil in the snug crew cab of the AA truck. He said it had arrived barely five minutes after we'd left him.

"And we found out what was wrong with car!" he said laughing. "I'll send you a picture so you'll understand..."

And he did but initially I was baffled.      (To be continued....)