Candidi Provocatores and Team Steampunk's misfortunes in the 2018 Land's End

Still driveable but rolling injured, the Candidi Provocatores Allard J1

It was Stephen Bailey's idea to have a Team Steampunk in the 2018 Land's End Trial and it was such a good idea I wished it had been mine. He invited Binky and me in our guise as Candid Provocateurs to join and also canvassed for a third entrant to make up the necessary numbers. Dave Middleditch stepped forward and - with goggles akimbo - we looked forward to the 2018 LET with gathering anticipation.

Unfortunately, Stephen had damaged his knee backalong on the Torbay Trial and then suffered a herniated disc in his spinal column. Driving a long distance and then bouncing up and down - or being bounced - in the driving seat of his Midge gradually seemed like a bad idea.

Meanwhile, Dave lost oil pressure on the engine in his 1500 Midget. Undaunted, he then set about an eleventh hour  rebuild but was thwarted at the last minute by a combination of timing, maladjusted combustion and then two flat batteries. By then, he was late for scrutineering for the Cirencester start as well as knackered from last minute mechanical heroism.

Binky's prep of the Candidi Provocatores Allard seemed calm by comparison. A nonchalant check of the vital signs, a stroll around the car counting the tyres followed by an insouciant crank up are usually the norm of any self-respecting competitor and disciple of last minute dealz.

No sweat.

The latest boy band sensation - The Travelling Marshals

Unfortunately, there was some sweat. The lights didn't work. The bulbs were fine, the switches had power but nothing even glowed slightly. Had it not been for Binky's most excellent neighbour swinging by because rain had stopped him landscaping, then he might still be wrestling with the problem. With two of them on the case, however, they soon diagnosed a faulty switch. It fell apart by the end of their ministrations but once replaced with a suitable age-related component, normal service was resumed.

Off we went to Popham airfield, hoping Steve might be there to at least see us off but he wisely stayed at home. It had been raining persistently for several days in normally sunny Hampshire and, although hurricanes hardly happened, there was a significant hinundation, so significant that I could spot the standing water as I rode the train eastwards for the start.

There were also some rather thought provoking images on the net of snow on Exmoor. News items included warnings that the road to Porlock had been closed.

We chugged away from the already bedraggled start marshals and within a mile took the Allard paddling. A few miles further on and what looked like the road narrowing was actually a flood. The white line in the centre of the road disappeared due to sheer volume of dirty old water and we assumed the road simply narrowed. It almost caught us out to flood the engine but Poseidon smiled upon us  and even hummed a happy tune. Jacques Cousteau's underwater adventures fortunately remain unrivalled by some damn Candidi Provocateurs.

A Biblical theme continued after Bridgwater where the three starting packs of the LET converged. Many roads on our route were under water and we saw some competitors by the wayside, with headtorches looking at engines or standing with their motorcycles in bus shelters.

When you can go classic trialling in this sort of weather in sunken lanes throughout the west country, who needs to go on a log flume ?

It is rare that we attempt sections with the hood up on the Allard but that was our modus operandi for the whole trial until Sutcombe. In increasingly buoyant mood now that the sun had emerged, we arrived at the section only to discover that it had been abandoned. Word had it that the course opening car - a Land Rover no less - had attempted to ford the stream at Sutcombe until the water came up over its headlights. No cake in aid of the church bellrope fund for us brave boys this year.

By now very cold and wet from checking tyre pressures in the mud, we took the hood down and pretended that any drops were those falling off the trees - even on the wilds of Exmoor.

Ah yes, Exmoor.

Porlock Hill was open but snow lay on either side and at one point we saw a car on its side as well. This was clearly not part of the LET. It must have slid off the road during the previous 24 hours.

We also encountered the crew of the red Trojan (VT No.12.1) John Wilton and Phil Potter on an exposed spot on the moor. They had waterproofs but were unable to keep water from entering the carb on their underfloor (and sometimes underwater) engine.

I really felt for these guys. Their car offered them no shelter whatsoever as it is a tourer and they had stopped in a terribly exposed place. It was dark, too, the sort of darkness made darker by headtorches.

On the 2016 Exeter, we had been in a similar but less extreme predicament without snow lying on the ground.

Having made the check point at Barbrook, the overhead infra red heaters made our hats steam and our heads feel like they were on fire.

Waiting to do Hackmarsh and Darracott

There was a delay at Hackmarsh where the queues for this section and Darracott were combined. The holding control took us round the first section on which I ever marshalled. Back then it was called Hob's Choice, if I recall correctly, and was a timed special test. Tony Mason was driving a Dutton Phaeton that year and Top Gear filmed the event. Looking closely you could recognise various trousers of our marshalling team as the camera followed him round this peculiarly nadgery complex of sunken lanes and switchbacks.

Darrcaott itself featured a restart but it was no bother for Binky in his Allard and we clean so far. It still gave us a tremendous sense of achievement though and we were in much higher spirits as we approached Widemouth Control and then Crackington. Someone had made some blue sky from a pair of trousers worn by a very small sailor but it was good omen of better, warmer weather.

Crackington seemed to have lost its bite. The claggy mud had turned to liquid from rain and the passage of many cars before us. Our tyres found grip comparatively easily. We didn't know this at the time, though, and Binky made a good charge up the lower part to keep momentum going if we encountered thick mud. He throttled back further up the hill. We had more than enough grip and momentum.

Just beyond the Section Ends boards, I was pleased to see Robin Moore among the spectators. I worked under his guidance on what must have been the second hill upon which I marshalled way back in the eighties. That would have been in the last century....

We drove on some way before pumping up our tyres and were sorry to see the TVR of Duncan Pittaway with a collapsed front wheel. This seemed to be a repeat of similar misfortune that he suffered at Blue Hills a couple of years ago.

However, he'd still pleased the crowd. As we pumped up our tyres next to his car, a van pulled up to ask if we were okay. The driver had helped recover the Duncan's car from Crackington and reckoned he had driven up the hill on three wheels in an epic drive. I hope someone videoed this.

At Wilsey Down Control, Rob had another all day breakfast but I find too much of  a
good thing like that gives me acid so I had chocolate, lots of chocolate.

Warleggan was back as a section this year and with this, Bishop's Wood, Hoskin and Blue Hills 1, we had the prospect of some tricky sections ahead of us.

However, as I was in the queue for our control card, Binky said, "Bad news, Ginger! We're going to have to retire!"

One of the MCC officials had spotted a broken perch bolt on the nearside front axle and had nonchalantly asked Binks if he knew he had damaged his front suspension. He didn't. The car had been driving normally and any pulling to one side was more to do with water in the drums brakes. Once dry, it pulled up straight.

A clean break and unrusty despite the weather - this probably occurred on Crackington. We didn't hear it snap though.

The break was still clean and grey so quite recent. I think it would quickly have assumed a patina with all the water, mud and snow we'd had if it had been like it before Crackington.

We couldn't compete with it like that so we handed in our card and numbers and strapped it up as best we could before limping back to my place near Liskeard.

Just as we were doing this, who should appear but Duncan Pittaway and Ant Lucarse. They were getting a lift from the Control marshals and we commiserated each other on our retirements from the trial.

Duncan reserved judgement on what failed until he got the car home. Looking at the videos on the net there's a spectacular climb by James Vivian in his Mk1 Escort, there's a big bump where it looks like he got air under all four wheels. This might have been what broke our suspension.

Duncan admired Binky's Allard, though. He said it was his favourite car in the trial, which made Binks feel a lot better.

By my powers of deductive reasoning, I deduce that this car may have been towed out of some mud recently

Louise Ransome Headon appears on YouTube with a great restart on BH2 but Adrian Booth broke a halfshaft on Crackington. He blames Hackmarsh for this, which was really stoney - Louise had a stone right through both sides of her tyre. It's amazing to think that this has been a Class O hill in previous years!

I swung by Adrian's place this afternoon and the Arkley's rear axle is already dismantled, ready for a new shaft. The end in the diff will need to be hammered out though. Age said when he saw motorcyclists handing in their control cards at Barbrook, water just poured out of their sleeves. How the hell did they keep going?

Lee Peck and Brian Partridge both failed on Hoskins and Bishop's Wood although Brian also couldn't get off the BH2 restart, which is unusual for him. Lee had some electrical gremlins after finding a particularly deep stretch of flooded road soon after Bridgwater although the car kept running alright.

The Adams' family 205

Shani and Pete weren't on the Triumph-Cox outfit this year (VT No.16.1) but Pete was in a normally aspirated Peugeot 205 running 3 up with their boys. I gather the idea is that they can use this car soon when they have their licences. They had to bump start it at one point but cleaned BH1. Bravo!

For the Candidi Provocatores, we were clear until we retired and looking forward to attempting the sections that have beaten us in the past - Warleggan, Hoskin and Bishop's Wood. We've cleared then before but not all in the same year so had everything to play for until we broke the car.

We got a bit too cold and wet along the way and had an attack of the shivers whilst waiting in the queue for Darracott. Sometimes we reminisce about entering again on a sidecar outfit but I think we ought to add a "weather permitting" clause if our enthusiasm runs away with us again. At least, we get a lot of engine heat from the Allard. And a steam bath when we go through a puddle.

No steam smells as good as the steam from an Allard's zorst headers. Believe me.

The next thing to happen will be remedial work on the Allard. Binky wants to improve the design of the suspension to avoid this known problem happening again. It's tempting to just replace the perch bolts and keep it original but, here at Candidi Provocatores, our policy is one of continuous improvement. Specifications may change and colours in the brochure may be slightly different in natural light. Or under a head torch in a storm on Exmoor.

Doors in the side that allow the driver to get out for a pee without disturbing the passenger, who is quite comfortable and who had the foresight to go before they went, don't seem so sacrilegious, either.